The (I’m quite sure it’s quite) wonderful town of Weston Florida has figured out the cause of every single stinking problem they face in their community (and maybe the world)! It’s… Dancing! That’s right, just like in the kinda bad 1984 flick and the incredibly bad 2011 remake, they’ve banned dancing in their city limits. Dancing pollutes the yutes, don’t you know? Yutes. The peeples under 18 they hate anyway. So I must ask you, fair readers, what kind of f*cked up world do we live in?
The Air That I Breathe – The Hollies
The mayor, His Lord Highness Crusty McLameass, put out a press release saying,
“This is something we’ve done to protect the city.”
Next they’ll be banning this thing called “air” because it caused cancerbots to invade the lungs of his best friend Jesse and it’s just way too much trouble to continue to cycle the stuff through your breathe holes when all you want to do is shove a quarter pounder with cheese down your gullet.
Bus Driver – Muddy Waters
Mayor McLameass hasn’t announced it yet but next on his agenda. BUS DRIVERS! He really hates them. A lot. One time he dropped the correct amount of change into the counter but it missed a dime and all kinds of madness ascended from hell. And he was forced to get OFF OF THE BUS! So next, no more bus drivers. Banned from city limits. He says buses are still okay, how else will old folks get to the Tuesday night Murder, She Wrote parties. Just no drivers!!!
Payphone – Maroon 5
And while they’re at they’re going to get rid of all those new-fangledy-doo contraptions like interphones and emails. There’s only going to be one kind of phone with a big ol’ spinnin’ dial on it. And you’ve got to put in dimes if you want to talk. And there’s too many numbers! From now on 2 numbers and you shout the name of the person you want to speak with to a real live operator who’s name is Mable or Ruthie, damn it!
Preacher Man – Asa
And the preacher is gonna start making house calls, the damn church is too far away and his lumbago is actin’ up. And someone’s gotta bring him some sweet tea.
Cold Feet – Liam Finn
Socks must be thick enough to keep Crusty’s feet warm. Anyone selling socks which don’t keep his feet warm will be dealt with harshly and at a minimum they’ll either be forced to push city buses for two weeks, or change their name to Ruthie.
78 DENISE! Sorry, I had to make a call. Be back tomorrow.