You may or may not have heard that the Zombie Apocalypse is underway. No need to worry yet, because it has been confined to one face eating gentleman in Florida, but it’s here! Funny, it turns out that neither virus, nor atomic explosion nor bad Christmas cookies (as in the incredible film Zombie Christmas) is the cause… it’s more than likely the smoking of bath salts! Who dreams up this crapola? Really? Things you should know for the ZA. Either cover yourself in mayonnaise (on toast) or run for the hills!
3 Legs – Paul McCartney
Though many people don’t know it a lot zombies have three legs. So if you come across someone with three legs you’ve walked smack dab into the middle of the zombie apocalypse. Or the set of the new Michael Fassbender flick “Tripod.”
Flesh For Fantasy – Billy Idol
Do zombies dream of electric sheep? No, that’s androids. Zombies dream of a nice juicy double-double flesh burger with a side of thighs and a vanilla sheik. And they say In-n-Out not Five Guys.
Zombie Zoo – Tom Petty
Don’t want to alarm you but if, on some Saturday, one of your kids says, “Take me to the Zombie Zoo, please please please,” you’re too far beyond the zombie apocalypse to care much. Buy ‘em a churro and take them to see the three legged zombie exhibit.
Goblin – Tyler, The Creator
If you see a bunch of goblins you’re hallucinating on the Bed Bath & Beyond Lavender/Lime bath salts you been smokin’. There’s no such thing as goblins! What’s wrong with you? Stop chewing that man’s face. Holy crap you’re a zombie. Zombies see people as goblins! No wonder they eat them. Goblins are delicious.
Dick for Brains – MDC
If you happen to overhear the phrase “Dick for Brains” you’ve either walked into a political discussion about John Boehner or a bartering session at a zombie farmer’s market. It takes a bag full of dicks to get one good brain except in the case of… well, you get the idea.
I’ve got mustard, tomato and onions slathered on my buns, if I’m gonna go I’m gonna be the human equivalent of a Chicago Dog. Zombies will find me to be fatty, but delicious.
Please don’t smoke bath salts and eat people’s faces, please.