2012 WTF Cali!

Being a smug prick, and located here in beautiful and almost perfect So Cal, I usually have a lot of horrible (and well earned) things to say about Arizona, Florida and Texas because it seems as if they’ve just stopped trying to be a part of society. In an effort to be fair I’m turning the spyglass around today… which just makes the images smaller… hmmm… anyway, we’ve got our nonsense here as well. Enjoy!

Wilshire Boulevard – Pete Moore Orchestra
The Wilshire Blvd on and off ramps for the 405 freeway are being torn down to be replaced by bigger, better, traffic friendly ramps. This activity is being referred to as Ramp Jam, Mega-Jam, Traffic Jambalya, The Ramp-ture or any number of stupid and not even slightly witty names. So-Californios are out of their minds with worry because, as portrayed on SNL, we are car, driving, freeway, mobility obsessed. So this is my warning to you… if you fly into LAX don’t go north on the 405 go south and take the 105 east and cut up or go up… aw, use your f’n GPS.

Rising Tide Blues – Meade Lux Lewis
Scientists are predicting the sea level along California’s coast will rise a foot in the next 20 years and 2 feet in the next 40 years. There are no solutions to this problem which will be made worse when the 10.5 mega-quake (sponsored by Pure Science Skin Care) hits. Many residents have already begun to try and “chant the raise away” except from Orange County to San Diego where they’re trying to stem the rising tied with a wall of migrant farm workers. As for Ol’ Bingo? “All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz and I’m fine.” And I’ll probably be dead anyway.

Yo Quiero “Taco Bell” – Groupo Innovacion
A So Cal Taco Bell employee stabbed a customer in the stomach after the customer complained his order was missing a Chalupa or Doritos Taco or some other ‘authentic Mexican delight’. You live in Southern California and you’re eating TACO BELL? You should be happy they left something out of the bag! I “ran for the border” a couple of years ago, I felt like I was stabbed in the stomach for hours… (I’ve too many places to go with this, fill in your own punchline).

Orange County – Pigeon John
The city of Stanton in the OC is barely surviving. They’re using reserves of cash (to the tune of $2.5m) to stay afloat and are cutting services, closing parks, taxing hot dogs and begging residents for whatever spare change they’ve got in their pockets… so here’s the question… why are they a city? Why shouldn’t they be gobbled up by Anaheim or any of the other horrifying towns in the proximity? Wouldn’t their people be better off? What is so special about their city’s survival? The long history of gangs and violence? I mean, if you have to advertise yourself as “the city you drive through to get to Disneyland” you’re not really all that necessary. It’s ok. Close your eyes. Sleep.

What’s the Matter With Parents Today? – NOFX
The parents (both lawyers) of an Irvine elementary school student are in jail after planting drugs in the car of a school volunteer/pta president who they believed wasn’t doing a good job of watching their little hunny bunny. They figured they’d get farther along by framing the volunteer /pta president then they had with the two frivolous law suits they’d filed against her. No other parents had complained about the volunteer/pta president. The parents will need to find a baby-sitter for 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015.

Side Note:
Dear Overbearing Parents,
          Weed and pain killers are daily supplements in
         California… next time try ‘bath salts,’ they’ve
          got everyone in an uproar at the moment.
                                                                                     Bingo