You leaf through pages and pages of “news” or watch the talking heads on the TV and you’re stunned /numbed /disheartened /enraged by what invades your eyeholes. All manner of dumb. It really makes you wonder, “How did humankind last this long?” “How did we get so stupid?” The Daily Soundtrack has no answer.
15 Year Old Girls – The Girls
In New Orleans a 23-year-old man was arrested for having consensual sex (?) with a 15 year old girl. That’s stupid in itself, but since they were in a bathroom stall at a criminal courthouse it made discovery and arrest so much easier. The man was not available for comment but I’m certain he would have said, “Is this going to be on TV? Should I masturbate?”
Buried Alive – Phish
The entire Kardashian (it is one large and singular virus) went on a family outing recently in order to pick out their funeral plots. “It’s about time,” I shout at the heavens! This item is news as the result of an ‘unnamed source’ giving a ‘heads up’ in regard to the visit to Hollywood Forever. It would be easy to think perhaps Mom K called the paps herself, but that would be as crass (with emphasis on the ass). I mean who would crave that much exposure, even for such an incredibly intimate moment. That would be as disgusting as if someone filmed their own daughter’s sex tape… and who’d do that?
Chuck Norris – Serengeti
Chuck Norris is a vinegar faced douche who wears a bad toupee and was the lead in some of the most ridiculously god awful movies and TV shows we’ve ever been subjected to… don’t have to go much further than that…
Queen Bitch – David Bowie
In England the Queen just released the new “Order of Precedence.” The OOP explains to the world the order of importance for the members of the Royal Family. Who has to: curtsy, bow, fart, sing a little song or seal their nephews in the tower of London until they die, to whom. It turns out the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Von Pinkpuffle (the one with a hot sister) has to bow to a bunch of lingenturdberries unless her husband sir lord larry william olivier of cheeseplate is with her. And she must promise that upon his becoming King he gets a hot 3-way to include the commoner named Pippa of his choice… to be filmed at the Kardashian hive by you know who. Oh, by the way, what century is this again?
Cum On Feel The Noize – Slade
Dateline New Jersey. A 72 year old man (who we’ll call Diaper Dan for no reason) has been arrested for brandishing a hand gun and pointing it at his 47 year old neighbor (who we’ll call Weenus McGee). The two have been involved in a long battle over excess noise and Diaper Dan reached the end of his rope when he heard Weenus McGee pass by his front door and fart. No shit! (just fart) Police would not have cared if McGee was, in fact, alone but sir lord larry william olivier of cheeseplate was in his apartment warming up for a 3-way that may occur sometime late in the 21st Century and there was lots of farting & bowing & singing to be done. Police say Diaper Dan was very cooperative and when he accidentally farted they all burst into laughter and masturbated to pictures of Chuck Norris’ toupee. This, my friends, is news.
The Daily Soundtrack will return tomorrow with the question, “Who is this person named Feeltha Noize?”