2012 No SH*T!

This morning while I was gathering my thought (it’d been in the bathroom for a long, long time) I was struck by the number of “NO SH*T!” stories I was coming across. I figured if the affected me that way, well, you’d enjoy them too em’ kay? Today’s gonna be a weird one boys and girls I can smell it a mile away… keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times!

Step Into The Light – Archers of Loaf
In Connecticut or Rhode Island or Eastistan or one of the original 43½ colonies the size of Burbank a young woman was taken to the hospital after falling from a 25′ light pole at a Phish concert. She was naked, dancing and was heard to say she was going to “step into the light” just before she fell and broke both ankles and a wrist. Authorities say they believe she was “on something.” NO SH*T? What in this cascading mountain of circumstances led you to that conclusion?

The Bear – My Morning Jacket
This morning on my awesome local TeeVulission news channel (love you KTLA, you make my mornings whole) they had an awesome story about bears. Because they love bears. They once spent over an hour of live new coverage of a bear who was eating garbage out of a trash can. (This is true!) Today’s story was titled “DON’T FEED BEARS!” It seems that a bunch of bad things can happen if you FEED BEARS. The wide assortment of bad things usually reach the same conclusion… the bear kills you in some decidedly horrible fashion (including, but not limited to, eating your face like a bath salts cannibal). Once again, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HAND FEED 550 POUND WILD ANIMALS BECAUSE THEY MIGHT HARM (AND/OR EAT) YOU! No Sh*t?

D-I-V-O-R-C-E – Tammy Wynette
Katie formerly Cruise and Tom formerly Kat have signed their divorce agreement (which absolutely in no way could have been written before the marriage paper ink was dry). In it KfC gains physical custody of their daughter (who, I’m told, lives inside of every iPhone) and TfK can drop in and say “Hi” when he’s not funny running in an action film. Oh, and apparently he’s not allowed to talk about religion to sweet little iPhone. “Friends” of the couple say KfC had become “creeped out” by:

the “alien ghosts/volcano” aspect of her husband’s religion
being “guarded” by church approved body guards
her husband’s insistence on funny running in every movie

Reports say KfC’s divorce lawyer father was “very concerned” about TfK’s “controlling Katie.” No Sh*t?

Blue Juice – Jimmy McGriff
The Campbell Soup Co has purchased the Bakersfield California ‘natural’ juice company ‘Bolthouse Farms’. Wall Street says that it will be good for both companies but some people are concerned that, eventually, the quality of BF’s drinks will decline. No Sh*t? When have you ever heard of a company’s core business being eroded by intrusion from a mega-corporation?

Scarlett Johansson – Mike Macharyas
Pictures of Scarlett Johansson in a bikini have surfaced and members of the fashion press have declared she’s “very sexy!” No sh*t, what gave it away? The sun visor?

The Daily Soundtrack will be back tomorrow! No Sh*t? No Sh*t!